Humour....English....

silver285

The Christmas Spirit

An older woman was cruising a busy parking lot just before Christmas in her new Mercedes-Benz looking in vain for a parking space. She finally saw someone loaded with packages heading for a car, so she followed him, put on her blinker and waited patiently until he pulled out. Just as he pulled out a young man in a sleek black Porsche zipped in to the space ahead of her. She was dumbfounded and outraged, and jumped out of her car, shouting, "How could you do that? Didn?t you see me waiting there with my signal on?" to which he replied, "That?s what happens when you?re young and fast."

As the young man was about to enter the store he heard the hideous crunch of metal striking metal. He ran back, horrified, to see that the woman had gunned her Mercedes and smashed it into his beautiful black Porsche. He ran back and cried, "How could you do that?" to which she replied, "That?s what happens when you?re old and rich!"

silver285

F.B.I & Pizzas

FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in San Diego that was under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of reviewing thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents had worked up quite an appetite. The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza parlor with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his colleagues.

The following telephone conversation was recorded by the FBI because they were taping all conversations at the hospital:

Agent: Hello. I would like to order 19 large pizzas and 67 cans of soda.
Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered?
Agent: We?re over at the psychiatric hospital.
Pizza Man: The psychiatric hospital?
Agent: That?s right. I?m an FBI agent.
Pizza Man: You?re an FBI agent?
Agent: That?s correct. Just about everybody here is.
Pizza Man: And you?re at the psychiatric hospital?

Agent: That?s correct. And make sure you don?t go through the front doors. We have them locked. You will have to go around to the back to the service entrance to deliver the pizzas.

Pizza Man: And you say you?re all FBI agents?
Agent: That?s right. How soon can you have them here?
Pizza Man: And everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent?
Agent: That?s right. We?ve been here all day and we?re starving.
Pizza Man: How are you going to pay for all of this?
Agent: I have my checkbook right here.
Pizza Man: And you?re all FBI agents?

Agent: That?s right. Everyone here is an FBI agent. Can you remember to bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have the front doors locked.

Pizza Man: I don?t think so. (click)

silver285

UNFORGETTABLE WEDDING

If any of you guys out there have ever thought you have balls,forget about
it. This was a huge wedding with about 300 guests (for you rich folk, this is huge by middle class standards)

After the wedding at the reception, the groom got up on stage at the
microphone to talk to the crowd. He said that he wanted to thank everyone
for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride and groom's families for coming.

To thank everyone for coming and bringing gifts and everything, he said he wanted to give everyone a gift from him. So taped to the bottom of
everyone's chair was a manila envelope. He said that was his gift to
everyone, and told them to open it. Inside the manila envelope was an 8x10 picture of his best man having sex with the bride. (He must have gotten suspicious of the two of them and hired a private detective to trail them.)

After he stood there and watched people's reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said F*** You, he turned to the bride and said F*** You, and then said I'm out of here. He got the marriage annulled the next day. While most of us would have broken it off immediately after we found out about the affair, this guy goes through with it anyway.

His revenge: making the bride's parents pay for a 300 guest wedding and
reception, letting everyone know exactly what did happen, and trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of friends, family,
grandparents, etc.

This is his world, we just live in it.

didi_perdana

A Different Mike for a Blonde


A blonde went into a world wide message centre to send a message to her mother overseas.

When the man told her it would cost $300 she exclaimed, "I don't have that kind of money!! But I would do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother in Poland!"

The man arched an eyebrow. "Anything?"
"Yes, anything" the blonde promised.

With that, the man said, "Follow me" He walked into the next room and ordered, "Come in and close the door".

She did.

He then said, "Get on your knees".

She did.

Then he said, "Take down my zipper".

She did.

He said, "Go ahead...take it out". She took it out and grabbed hold of it with both hands.

The man closed his eyes and whispered, "Well....go ahead!" The blonde slowly brought her lips closer, and while holding it close to her lips she said loudly "HELLO.....MOM???"


Meaning of "Tragedy"


President George Bush is visiting an elementary school today and he visits one of the classes (4th grade). They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asks the President if he would like to lead the class in the discussion of the word, "tragedy." So the illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a "tragedy."

One little boy stands up and offers, "If my best friend, who lives next door, is playing in the street and a car comes along and runs him over, that would be a tragedy."

"No," says Bush, "that would be an ACCIDENT."

A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explains Mr. President. "That's what we would call a GREAT LOSS."

The room goes silent. No other children volunteered. President Bush searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally, way in the back of the room, a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says, "If an American Air Force plane, carrying Mr. & Mrs. Bush, were struck by a missile and blown up to smithereens, by a terrorist like Osama bin Laden, that would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic," exclaims Bush, "that's right. And can you tell me WHY that would be a TRAGEDY?"

"Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly would be no great loss".

didi_perdana

Flatten Daddy's Stomach


A little boy walks into his parents room to see his mum on top of his dad bouncing up and down, and retreats. The mum sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen, she dresses quickly and goes to find him.

The son sees his mum and asks' "What were you and dad doing?"

The mother replies "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help to flatten it."

"Your wasting your time," say's the boy.

"Why is that?" asked his mum puzzled.

"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it back up again."



Open Zipper


Mr. Smith hired himself a new secretary. She was young, sweet, and very polite. One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open. When leaving the room, she said,

"Mr. Smith, your barracks door is open."

He did not understand her remark. But later, he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his secretary. Calling her in, he asked,

"By the way, Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door open this morning, did you also notice a soldier standing at attention?"

The secretary replied, "Why, no sir. All I saw was a little disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags."



Viagra


This old man in his eighty's got up and was putting on his coat.

His wife said, "Where are you going ?"

He said, "I'm going to the doctor."

And she said, "Why? Are you sick?"

"No," he said. "I'm going to get me some of those Viagra pills."

So his wife got up out of her rocker and was putting on her sweater and he said, "Where are you going?"

She said, "I'm going to the doctor too."

He said, "Why?"

She said, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing again, I'm going to get a tetanus shot."

silver285

The End

At a Christmas party in Melbourne last year the staff decided to pull a joke
on their boss who had a habit of playing serious practical jokes on everyone else. When he went to the toilet they went through his wallet and found his Tatts Lotto ticket. Then they wrote down his numbers and called over the waitress to set up a little prank. She came back half an hour later and asked if anyone wanted to know the night's Lotto numbers, then proceeded to read them out (you can guess that he had picked the
lot - including the supplementary!), and left the numbers on the table.

The boss looked at the numbers, then casually pulled out his wallet and
compared them. He became really silent, put his wallet back in his jacket
and sat down again breathing really rapidly, and looking totally blown away. After a couple of minutes he pulled out his wallet and Lotto ticket, and checked the numbers again very carefully. Then he sculled his drink, stood up on his chair and shouted out to the whole room,

"I just want to let you all know something. I've been having an affair with
my secretary for months. I don't like any of you, and I have hated working
for this company. You can all go to Hell, 'cos I've just won a shit-load of
money, and I'm leaving...!"

End of job. End of marriage. End of story.

silver285

Rover Ringer

It?s common practice in England to ring a telephone by sending extra voltage across one side of the two wire circuit and ground (earth in England). When the subscriber answers the phone, it switches to the two wire circuit for the conversation. This method allows two parties on the same line to be signaled without disturbing each other.

Anyway, an elderly lady with several pets called to say that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called; and that on the few occasions when it did ring her dog always barked first. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog.

He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber?s house. The phone didn?t ring. He tried again.

The dog barked loudly, followed by a ringing telephone.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:
a. The dog was tied to the telephone system?s ground post via an iron chain and collar..
b. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current.
c. After several such jolts, the dog would start barking and urinating on the ground..
d. The wet ground now completed the circuit and the phone would ring..

Which shows you that some problems can be fixed by just pissing on them. But only temporarily

silver285

Dual Purpose


THE BOSS ASKED FOR A LETTER DESCRIBING BOB SMITH:

Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
finishes given assignments on time. Often Bob takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
executed as soon as possible.

Sd
Project Leader

---

A MEMO WAS SOON SENT FOLLOWING THE LETTER:

That idiot was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the
report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd
numbered lines (1, 3, 5, ...).

satria

ini mas silper dapat crita drmn ya .. ? ... bagus2 pada ...

didi_perdana

Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn:

01) The bandage was wound around the wound.
02) The farm was used to produce produce.
03) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
04) We must polish the Polish furniture.
05) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
06) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
07) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
08) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
09) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a storm sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

didi_perdana

Mommy...mommy

Little Jenny walked into the kitchen one day and looked up at her mother, who was busy cooking dinner.
"Mommy, how old are you?" she asked.
"Now dear," said her mother, "You should never ask a woman what her age is."
"Why not?" demanded Jenny.
"Because it isn't polite. You'll understand better when you grow up."
Jenny thought about it for a moment, then piped up, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?"
"Jenny," said her mother, "That's not a question you ask people."
"Why not?" "Because it's not polite to ask grown-ups about how much they weigh. You'll understand some day."
"Mommy," Jenny asked, "Why did you and Daddy get divorced?"
"Darling,"her mother replied with a sigh, "That's something that's still very painful for Mommy, and I really can't talk about it now. I'll explain when you are a little older."
The next day, Jenny told a friend at school about the conversation with her mother. The other little girl explained to her, "All you have to do is get a look at your mom's driver's license. It has all the information about any grown-up you want on it."
So little Jenny sneaked a peek in her mother's purse when she got home, and looked over her license, examining it carefully.
That evening, she went back into the kitchen and announced, "I know how old you are, Mommy, You are 36!"
Her mother looked down at her, surprised. "And I know how much you weigh!" said Jenny. "You weigh 135 pounds."
"Jenny, where did you learn this?", her mother asked. Jenny just smiled and continued, "And, I know why you and Daddy got a divorce."
Her mother just gasped and asked, "Why?" Jenny replied, "Because you got a F in sex!"


Too Hot, Too Cold

A customer was continually bothering the waiter in a restaurant; first, he'd asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour.
Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, walking back and forth and never once getting angry. So finally, a second customer asked why didn't they just throw out the pest.
"Oh, I don't care." said the waiter with a smile. "We don't even have an air conditioner."

didi_perdana

Mr. Bean's Stories


WHILE HAVING A BRAIN CHECK UP
Doctor : I regret to tell you that you have a brain tumor.
Mr. Bean : Yesss!!! (jumps in joy)
Doctor : Did you understand what I just told you?
Mr. Bean : Yes of course, do you think I'm dumb?
Doctor : Then why are you so happy?
Mr. Bean : Because that proves that I have a brain!

MR. BEAN WHILE IN GRADE SCHOOL
Teacher : What is 5 plus 4?
Mr. Bean : 9
Teacher : What is 4 plus 5?
Mr. Bean : Are you trying to fool me, you've just twisted the figure,the answer is 6!!

WHILE IN A DRUG STORE
Mr. Bean : I'd like some vitamins for my grandson.
Clerk : Sir, vitamin A, B or C?
Mr. Bean : Any will do, my grandson doesn't know the alphabet yet!!

QUEUING BEHIND HIS FRIEND AT AN ATM MACHINE
Friend : What are you looking at?
Mr. Bean : I know your PIN no., hee, hee.
Friend : Alright, what is my PIN no. if you saw it?
Mr. Bean : Four asterisks!

PUZZLE
Friend : How many women do you believe must a man marry?
Mr. Bean : 16.
Friend : Why?
Mr. Bean : Because the priest says 4 richer,4 poorer,4 better and 4 worse.

CHATTING WITH HIS FRIEND
Friend : How was the tape you borrowed from me, is it Ok?
Mr. Bean : What do you mean ok,I thought it's a horror film.I didn't see any picture.
Friend : What tape did you took anyway?
Mr. Bean : Head Cleaner.

SHARING SYMPHATY
Mr. Bean : (crying) the doctor called, Mom's dead.
Friend : Condolence, my friend. (After 2 minutes Mr. Bean cries even louder).
Friend : What now?
Mr. Bean : My sister just called, her mom died too!

MR. BEAN ATTENDING A MEETING
Colleague : Sorry I'm late. I got stuck in an elevator for 4 hrs. Because of a power failure.
Mr. Bean : Thats alright, me too... I got stuck on the escalator for 3hrs.

SPELLING LESSON
Mr. Bean's Son : Dad, what is the spelling of successful....is it one "c" or two "c"?
Mr. Bean : Make it three "c" to be sure!

silver285

Hell of an Exam

A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for his students.
It had one question: "Is hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic?(absorbs heat) Support your answer with a proof."

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle?s Law or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

---

First, we postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass. If
they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are
souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving? I think that we
can safely assume that once a soul gets into hell, it will not leave.
Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for souls entering hell, lets look at the different religions that exist
in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a
member of their religion, you will go to hell. Since there are more than one
of these religions and people do not belong to more than one religion we can project that all people, and all souls, go to hell. With birth and death
rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase
exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle?s Law states
that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the
ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay constant.

#1 So, if hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls
enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase until
all hell breaks loose.
#2 Of course, if hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of
souls in hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until hell
freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Therese Banyan
during Freshman year, "that it will be a cold night in hell before I sleep
with you" and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in
having sexual relations with her, then #2 cannot be true, and hell is exothermic.

The student got the only A.

Komentar gw ........ @_@

didi_perdana

silver285 wrote:

Komentar gw ........ @_@

Lagian ngapain loe nulis humor yg bikin loe foeshinx
Cuciannn ..... deee loe

wakakakakaaaaaaa ...........

:roll: :roll: :roll: :roll: :roll: :roll: :roll:

silver285

The Glove of My Life

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart?s birthday, and after careful consideration, decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic, but not too personal.

Accompanied by his sweetheart?s younger sister, he went to buy a pair of white gloves. The sister bought a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves while the sweetheart got the panties. The young man sealed the package and sent it off with the following note:

"I chose these because I noticed you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it hadn?t been for your sister, I would have chose the long ones with the buttons, but she wears the short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off remember to blow in them before putting them away as they?ll naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night. All my love.

PS: The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing

silver285

didi_perdana wrote:

Lagian ngapain loe nulis humor yg bikin loe foeshinx
Cuciannn ..... deee loe

wakakakakaaaaaaa ...........

ah gpp dah.....dikit2 masih ngerti koq ^_^
perlu gw jelasin privat?? kesini yach

Job Interviews

We've all been interviewed for jobs. And, we've all spent most of those interviews thinking about what not to do. Don't bite your nails. Don't fidget. Don't interrupt. Don't belch. If we did any of the don'ts, we knew we'd disqualify ourselves instantly. But some job applicants go light years beyond this. We surveyed top personnel executives of 100 major American corporations and asked for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants.

1. Said he was so well-qualified [that] if he didn't get the job, it would prove that the company's management was incompetent.

2. Stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application.

3. Brought her large dog to the interview.

4. Chewed bubble gum and constantly blew bubbles.

5. Candidate kept giggling through serious interview.

6. She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time.

7. Balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece.

8. Applicant challenged interviewer to arm wrestle.

9. Asked to see interviewer's resume to see if the personnel executivewwas qualified to judge the candidate.

10. Announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewer's office.

11. Without saying a word, candidate stood up and walked out during the middle of the interview.

12. Man wore jogging suit to interview for position as financial vice president.

13. Said if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.

14. Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions.

15. Wouldn't get out of the chair until I would hire him. I had to call the police.

16. When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office.

17. Had a little pinball game and challenged me to play with him.

18. Bounced up and down on my carpet and told me I must be highly thought of by the company because I was given such a thick carpet.

19. Took a brush out of my purse, brushed his hair and left.

20. Pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him.

21. Candidate asked me if I would put on a suit jacket to insure that the offer was formal.

22. Said he wasn't interested because the position paid too much.

23. While I was on a long-distance phone call, the applicant took out a copy of Penthouse, and looked through the photos only, stopping longest at the centerfold.

24. During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate's brief case. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave for another interview.

25. A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was from his wife. His side of the conversation went like this: 'Which company? When do I start? What's the salary?' I said, 'I assume you're not interested in conducting the interview any further.' He promptly responded, 'I am, as long as you'll pay me more.' I didn't hire him, but later found out there was no other job offer. It was a scam to get a higher offer.

26. An applicant came in wearing only one shoe. She explained that the other shoe was stolen off her foot in the bus.

27. His attache [case] opened when he picked it up and the contents spilled, revealing ladies' undergarments and assorted makeup and perfume. ==> wakakaka..... waria terselubung kali :twisted:

28. He came to the interview with a moped and left it in the reception area. He didn't want it to get stolen, and stated that he would require indoor parking for the moped.

29. He took off his right shoe and sock, removed a medicated foot powder and dusted it on the foot and in the shoe. While he was putting back the shoe and sock, he mentioned that he had to use the powder four times a day, and this was the time.

30. Candidate said he really didn't want to get a job, but the unemployment office needed proof that he was looking for one.

31. He whistled when the interviewer was talking.

32. Asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to the picture on my desk. When I said it was my wife, he asked if she was home now and wanted my phone number. I called security.

33. She threw-up on my desk, and immediately started asking questions about the job, like nothing had happened.

34. Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that if he was not hired, the bomb would go off. Disbelieving, I began to state why he would never be hired and that I was going to call the police. He then reached down to the case, flipped a switch and ran. No one was injured, but I did need to get a new desk.

35. Asked if I wanted some cocaine before starting the interview.

lha gw ga pernah ngelakuin hal2 diatas loh.......tapi masi ga ketrima.....gimana yak @_@