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Humour....English....

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Comments

  • A young guy is strolling through Golden Gate Park when he comes across an old man sitting on a bench, sobbing. He stops to ask, "What's wrong?"

    "I have a 20 year old houseboy at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me breakfast with freshly ground coffee."

    The youger man says, "That's wonderful. Why then are you crying?"

    "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite cookies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon." continues the old man

    "Wow! Then why ae you crying?" asks the young man.

    The old gent is still sobbing, and through his whimper he continues, "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with chilled wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until dawn."

    "My gosh! That's absolutely Perfect!" says the young man. "So tell me why in the world you're crying."

    The old man looks up with tears flowing and says, "I can't remember where I live!"
  • Rising Dwarfs

    Apparently there is a new advertisement on T.V with Snow White and the Seven Dwarves. They decide to go for a swim at the local water hole, but poor old Snow White forgets her bathers. Now Snow White is a bit shy so she makes a deal with the dwarves - they have to face the other way until she gets her gear off & jumps into the water. When they hear the splash they can turn around & jump in too. It seems like a great plan, but alas, just as Snow White gets naked a huge frog jumps in & all of the dwarves turn around thinking that Ms. White is safely in the water .....And what is the ad for ?


    7-Up ! (I hear it is quite a thirst quencher !)
  • Things you DON'T Want to Hear in Surgery


    Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.

    Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop.

    "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"

    Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!

    Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?

    Hand me that....uh....that uh....thingie.

    Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.

    Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?

    Darn, there go the lights again...

    "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Heck, the guy's got two of 'em.

    Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!

    Could you stop that thing from beating? It's throwing my concentration off..

    What's this doing here?

    I hate it when they're missing stuff in here..

    That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!

    I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.

    Well folks, this will be an experiment for us all.

    Sterile, shcmerile. The floor's clean, right?

    What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change.....!

    Anyone see where I left that scalpel?

    And now we remove the subject's brain and place it in the body of the ape. OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.

    This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?

    Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?

    Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.

    She's gonna blow! Everybody take cover!!! ==> CS nih .... ^_^

    FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out now!!

    Darn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
  • Embarrassed drinker

    A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. As he drinks it, he tells the bartender that it is his birthday, he is now 40 today and has never been to a bar before.

    The bartender is surprised but listens. The man orders another pint and one for the barman, telling the barman that it was such nice beer he would like "one for the road". On downing his second pint, he walks to the center of the room, whips out his willy and spins in a circle, peeing over everyone. The barman, very angry, throws him out.

    The next evening the man walks into the bar again. The barman stops him saying, "I'm not serving you - you have two pints and then you go MAD!"

    "I know how you must feel," says the man, "but I have come to apologise. This has never happened to me before and I am deeply embarassed. It has taken a lot of courage to overcome my embarassment and return here to apologise."

    The barman decides to let him off and to buy a drink for everyone in the bar saying sorry. He has one himself. When the man has finished the drink, he offers to buy a drink for the barman, who accepts. On finishing his second drink, once again the man walks to the center of the room, jumps up on a table, whips out his willy, and spins around peeing over everyone. The barman throws him out.

    The man walks into the bar on the third evening. The barman is quite angry and tells him that he will not be served no matter what he says.

    "I understand," our hero says. "I am very deeply embarassed that there has been a repetion of my gross behaviour. It has taken a lot of courage to deal with my embarassment and to come here to apologise. I have been so embarassed that I have sought professional help. I have been to see a doctor, who has treated me and now assured me that I am cured!"

    Seeing that he is cured, the barman decides to allow the man to stay. He buys a drink for the dwindling clientele and one for himself. As he chats to the barman about his embarassment, the barman takes pitty on this lonley man and allows him another drink. He downs his second pint, walks to the center of the room, jumps onto a table, whips out his willy and spins in a circle peeing over everyone.

    The barman calls out, "I thought you were cured!"

    "I am!" replies the man, "I am no longer embarassed!
  • The Priest and the Drunk

    A drunk was staggering back from the pub one night when he came across a baptism taking place in the river. He wanted a closer look and hazily walked right up to the river bank. The preacher saw him and, seeing the inebriated state he was in,decided to save his soul!

    He grabbed the drunk,plunging him into the icey water and praying in a loud voice! He lifted his head and asked "now brother... have you found the Lord this day?" "No!" replies the man! The preacher ,taken aback plunges the drunk under the freezing water again.

    After a time he lets him up again, and asks in a louder voice,if he has yet found the Lord!! To his horror the answer comes back again! "NO!" Outraged the preacher puts him upder the water for a third time and holds him there for a good minute or so! He drags the poor wretch out of the river and shouts "Now, my fallen and unredeemed brother... for the love of god,have you found the Lord?!" the man replies...

    "NO!.... are you sure this is where he fell in?!"[/u]
  • Grown Ups

    The kindergartners were now in the first grade. Their teacher wanted them to be more grown up since they were no longer in kindergarten. She told them to use grown up words instead of baby words. She then asked them to tell her what they did during the summer. The first little one said he went to see his Nanna.

    The teacher said, "No, No, you went to see your grandmother. Use the grown up word."

    The next little one said she went for a trip on a choo-choo.

    The teacher again said, "No, No, you went on a trip on a train. That's the
    grown up word."

    Then the teacher asked the third little one what he did during the summer. He proudly stated that he read a book. The teacher asked what book he had read.

    He puffed out his chest and in a very adult way replied, "Winnie the S.h.i.t".

    ===================================

    Poor Henry

    A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster. He was hoping he could get a special rooster-one that would service all of his many hens. When he told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied: "I have just the rooster for you. Henry here is the horniest rooster you will ever see!"

    So the farmer took Henry back to the farm. Before setting him loose in the hen house, though, he gave Henry a little pep talk:
    "Henry," he said, "I'm counting on you to do your stuff." And without a word, Henry strutted into the henhouse.

    Henry was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt.
    There was much squawking and many feathers flying, till Henry had finished having his way with each hen. But, Henry didn't stop there.

    Henry went into the barn and mounted all of the horses, one by one, and still at the same frantic pace. Then he went to the pig house, where he did the same. The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief cried out, "Stop, Henry!! You'll kill yourself!!"

    But Henry continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner.

    Well, the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Henry lying there on his lawn. His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long tongue hanging out. A buzzard was already circling above Henry. The farmer walked up to Henry saying, "Oh you poor thing, look what you did, you've gone and killed yourself. I warned you little buddy."

    "Shhhhhhh," Henry whispered, "The buzzard's getting closer."

    ==> a rooster can "do" horses & pigs ?? also can talks??
    well, just enjoy the humour ...... ^_^
  • Rude Awakening

    By the time John pulled into the little town, every hotel room was taken.

    "You've got to have a room somewhere." he pleaded. "Or just a bed-I don't care where."

    "Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

    "No problem," the tired traveler assured him. "I'll take it."

    The next morning John, came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

    "Never felt better." he said

    The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"

    "Nope. I shut him up in no time"

    "How'd you manage that?"

    "He was already in bed, snoring away when I came in the room," John said. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."

    Comment : not a problem for PLU ^_^ could be a good company :twisted:
  • A Fine Line

    An out of work actor gets a call from his agent one day. "I've got you
    a job" says his agent. "That's great" says the actor, what is it?"
    "Well" says his agent "it's a one-liner" "That's okay" replies the
    actor, "I've been out of work for so long I'll take anything; What's
    the line?" "Hark I hear the cannons roar"" says the agent. "I love
    it" says the actor "When's the audition?" "Wednesday" says the agent.

    Wednesday comes and the actor arrives at the audition. He marches on
    stage and shouts: "Hark I hear the cannons roar". "Brilliant" says
    the director, "you've got the job, be here 9 o'clock Saturday
    evening". The actor is so chuffed he got the job that he goes on a
    major bender. He wakes up 8:30 Saturday evening and runs to the
    theatre continually repeating his line; "Hark I hear the cannons roar,
    hark I hear the cannons roar, hark I hear the cannons roar". He
    arrives at the stage entrance, out of breath and is stopped by the
    bouncer. "Who the hell are you?" asks the bouncer. "I'm "hark I hear
    the cannons roar" "You're "hark I hear the cannons roar", you're
    late, get up to makeup straight away. So he runs up to make up. "Who
    the hell are you" asks the makeup girl. "I'm "hark I hear the cannons
    roar" "You're "hark I hear the cannons roar", you're late, sit down
    here" and she applies the makeup. "Now quick, get down to the stage,
    you're about to go on" So he dashes down to the stage. "Who the hell
    are you" asks the stage manager. "I'm "hark I hear the cannons roar""
    "You're "hark I hear the cannons roar", get on there, the curtains
    about to go up" So he tears onto the stage. The curtains rise, the
    house is full. Suddenly there is an almighty bang behind him, and the
    actor shouts "WHAT THE F.U.C.K WAS THAT!!!!!"
  • The Jerk

    Now get this. I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call
    I had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered
    nicely saying, "Hello?"
    I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and could I please speak to
    Robin Carter?" Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't
    believe that anyone could be that rude.
    I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. She had
    transposed the last two digits.

    After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying
    there on my desk. I decided to call it again. When the same person
    once more answered, I yelled "You're a jerk!" and hung up.

    Next to his phone number I wrote the word "Jerk," and put it in my desk
    drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a
    really bad day, I'd call him up. He'd answer, and then I'd yell,
    'You're a jerk!" It would always cheer me up.

    Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This was a
    real disappointment for me, I would have to stop calling the jerk.
    Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number, then heard his voice,
    "Hello."
    I made up a name. "Hi. This is Herman with the telephone company and
    I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our caller ID program?"
    He went, "No!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back
    and said, "That's because you're a jerk!"

    And the reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show you
    how if there's ever anything really bothering you, you can do
    something about it. Just dial 722-4822.

    The old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of the
    parking space. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally
    her car began to move and she started to very slowly back out of the
    stall. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull
    out. Great, I thought, she's finally leaving.
    All of a sudden this black camaro come flying up the parking isle in
    the wrong direction and pulls into her space. I started honking my
    horn and yelling, "You can't just do that, Buddy. I was here first!"
    The guy climbed out of his camaro completely ignoring me. He walked
    toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me.
    I thought to myself, this guy's a jerk, there's sure a lot of
    jerks in this world. I noticed he had a For Sale sign in the back
    window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for
    another place to park.

    A couple of days later, I'm at home sitting at my desk. I had just
    gotten off the phone after calling 722-4822 and yelling, "You're a
    jerk!" (It's really easy to call him now since I have his number on
    speed dial). I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black
    camaro lying on my desk and thought I'd better call this guy, too.
    After a couple rings someone answered the phone and said, "Hello."
    I said, "Is this the man with the black camaro for sale?"
    "Yes it is."
    "Can you tell me where I can see it?"
    "Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street. It's a yellow house and the
    car's parked right out front.
    I said, "What's your name?"
    "My name is Don Hansen."
    "When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
    "I'm home in the evenings."
    "Listen Don, can I tell you something?"
    "Yes."
    "Don, you're a jerk!" And I slammed the phone down. After I hung up
    I added Don Hansen's number to my speed dialer.

    For a while things seemed to be going better for me. Now when I had a
    problem I had two jerks to call. Then after several months of calling
    the jerks and hanging up on them, the whole thing started to seem like
    an obligation. It just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be.
    I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution.

    First, I had my phone dial Jerk #1.
    A man answered nicely saying, "Hello."
    I yelled "You're a jerk!" But I didn't hang up.
    The jerk said, "Are you still there?"
    I said, "Yeah.."
    He said, "Stop calling me."
    I said, "No."
    He said, "What's your name, Pal?"
    I said, "Don Hansen."
    "Where do you live?"
    "1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black camaro's
    parked out front."
    "I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your
    prayers."
    "Yeah, like I'm really scared, Jerk!" and I hung up.

    Then I called Jerk #2.
    He answered, "Hello."
    I said, "Hello, Jerk!"
    He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."
    "You'll what?"
    "I'll kick your butt."
    "Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now Jerk!" And I hung
    up.

    Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them a big
    gang fight was going down at 1802 West 34th Street. After that I
    climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole
    thing.

    I turned onto 34th Street and parked my car under the shade of a tree
    half a block from Jerk #2's house. There were two guys fighting out
    front. Suddenly there were about 12 police cars and a helicopter. The
    police wrestled the two men to the ground and took them away.

    A couple of months go by and I get a call for jury duty. I was picked
    to be on a trial of two guys charged with disorderly conduct. As luck
    would have it, it happened to be the same two guys. I might have
    influenced the jury, because when they announced the verdict, they
    said, "We the jury find the defendants to be guilty, and a couple of
    jerks!"

    ==> adu domba ?? istilah inggris nya apa yak...... :roll:
  • Sekali, dua kali, tiga kali, asyik
    lama lama pusing
  • Ada kah yang mau berbaik hati, copy paste in semua, trus di kirim ke email gw....
    Soalnya gw ga isa copy paste
  • lol
    gw suka bgt dr dulu humor blonde/pirang
    luv it so so so much!
    gimme
    gimme
    gimme
    gimme more......
    more.....
    8)
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